Don't Touch My Soul with Dirty Hands

Support is an interesting thing. While wading through the present cesspool of problems the kids and I are faced with daily, I've come to the stark-naked realization that ultimately its just the three of us. I know that there are people who love us and do care, but those people have their own lives and agendas and that's that. There have been people who have pleasantly surprised me with caring and concern, but more who have been a disappointment. I know that no one else is responsible for the three of us but me. That is really not a problem, and I prefer it that way. Rene voluntarily relinquished all parental rights two weeks ago, and I was very happy to hear it. I've always thought of my family and myself as more than enough to provide an environment for the kids to grow and flourish.

The long and short of it is that I've got to be more than enough, period. The kids aren't a priority to anyone else, unless of course the stars align exactly right or they fit into an already tight schedule of more important things. I don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful. Like I said, many people have really been fantastic to us and have gone above and beyond. Its just interesting to me that the people who have really shown us kindness and have been helpful are really not the ones I would have expected it from, generally. And, the ones I would have assumed would bend over backwards for us have been generally irritated, reluctant and have been very creative with excuses when I've needed help. I'm still pondering this and wondering what it says about people as a whole. I think I should spend more time on it, because my take-away at this juncture is not positive.

I've always preached that you can't expect more out of people than they are capable of giving. I guess now I've got to really internalize that. I've found myself withdrawing from people and situations that I've embraced in the past. Right now, I just think that's for the best. I think I may have been silly to trust so freely and expect people to do what they say they will and be who they appear outwardly to be. There's a Kurt Vonnegut quote that says, "We are what we pretend to be. So we must be careful about what we pretend to be." Its safe to say that the majority of what we know about any given person, no matter how close we are to them, is pretend, because people only put on the table what they want others to see. At what point are we sure of another person's motives or character? You will not see a person's heart and soul unless they are willing and honest.

A common mistake of mine is always *knowing* there's more to a person than what meets the eye. They are better and more loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent, etc. than they appear to be... The macabre reality is that they are what they are and I am more intelligent, beautiful, loving, caring, etc. than I know. My gut is always right, and I need to stop apologizing for truths that others have birthed and quit explaining myself away. I'm not the mom I want to be right now. My patience isn't what it should be and I could be a better example for my kids. I'm not the friend I want to be. I hope time and prayer and conscious diligence on my part can make these things and many others better as the moments and days and weeks pass. One foot in front of the other...

Anaiahism of the Day...

Anaiah: "Momma, can I color? I want to use the new crayons."
Chass: "Sure, but only get one crayon out at a time so they don't roll off the table onto the floor."

Anaiah immediately gets two yellow crayons out and sets them beside the paper on the table...

Chass: "Anaiah, I said only one crayon at a time."
Anaiah: "Mom, if they are the same color it doesn't count. They're both yellow."

I dread 14 years old... so... very... much...

Anaiahism of the Day... Round Two

Anaiah: "I'm a little I'm a little teapot, short and stout."

Chass: "Here is my handle, here is my spout."

Anaiah: "When I get all steamed up..."

Chass: "I just shout..."

Anaiah: "Tip me over and give me a big wiener with ranch on it."

Laughed so hard I cried... Where in the world did THAT come from?!? 

Anaiahism of the Day...

Anaiah: "Kannon Ball, let me give you one more kiss. I need to go tee-tee. Please watch Mommy while I'm gone and make sure she stays put and doesn't get into anything."

Kannon Ball: "Okay. I want bites."

So... I'm the shady one around here?! Haha!

I often miss this little girl...

Ohhhh poop...

I put the kids to bed a little early tonight because they were trying to kill each other and me in the process. We said our prayers, there was some expected whining and fussing from Anaiah, everyone was tucked in, I retrieved my sweet potato and tea from the kitchen and I started answering emails. So far so bueno.

An hour after putting the kids to bed, I hear some grumps from Kannon... Very strange since he hardly ever fusses after he goes to bed. Usually I'm reasoning with a three-year-old well into the night. I get a little worried and flustered. My mom brain immediately goes to... Is he too hot? Are his teeth bothering him? Does he have fever? Oh Lord, he took the pink, fuzzy tiara to bed with him. Is it poking him? And on and on...

So I jump up and quietly burst into their room, hurry to Kannon's bedside and find a HUGE poop diaper with my left foot... That's right, folks... I enthusiastically stepped right in it in the dark. Kannon's big sister has recently taught him the art of removing his own diaper and this has been a recurring event in the mornings with pee diapers. Normally he waits until I am in the room in the morning before he proudly rips his diaper off and throws it in my general direction. Not tonight.

I immediately hobbled into the bathroom, trying desperately not to jiggle any crap off of my foot onto the carpet, and washed my foot off in the bathtub. Then, returned to the scene of the crime to properly clean, diaper and re-clothe the perpetrator. Kannon now has his footed zipper pajamas on, equipped with the little snap at the top, actually designed to prevent these things. I think I need a pedicure...

So it goes...

Friday, a Mexican tried to take Rene's food in jail and he punched him. Rene ended up in segregation until today at 2pm, when he apparently had court and was sentenced to 10 years in prison for his probation violations. No one was notified and I wasn't aware of it until he told me, otherwise I would have gone to court to see what was said and done. Judge Strother means business. Rene said his probation officer met him in court and was crying and recommended the minimum 2 years as did the state, but Judge Strother gave him 10 years and said Strother expressed his desire to give him the maximum 20 years.

The only part of the above paragraph that I know to be true is that Rene appeared before Judge Ralph Strother at 2pm today and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

The complete story I received is much more elaborate and colorful, but I've come to value only the facts, and then only facts I can confirm myself. Its a frustrating mindset for someone who feeds on figurative language and allegorical prose. I've started to read Slaughterhouse Five again to try to encourage my mind to relax and latch on to good old fashioned style and wordy brilliance. We shall see. If anyone can do it, Kurt can.

Rene requested to relinquish his parental rights a few months ago, and he was served those papers in jail last Wednesday. His reasoning, while high on meth and whatever else, was that he was surely ending up in prison for awhile when probation caught up with him and he didn't want to owe back child support when he was released on parole. Naturally, he reasoned, that the best thing for him would be to give up rights to his kids, because when in the world would he ever be able to pay, much less provide health insurance, etc. Agreed. While Rene's narcissism was getting the best of him, I actually thought it was a remarkable idea and the push to get him to terminate his parental rights has consumed my waking moments. Now that he is in jail and forced to be clean and sober, some of the old Rene is peeking through and he's partially realized that he has effectively and efficiently pissed away a perfectly good wife, job, four kids and a home in less than a year.

I do feel for him. That has to be a terrible feeling, inevitably made more terrible by being in jail, staring straight down the barrel at 10 years in big boy prison. He's found Jesus again. That is great if its genuine, however it isn't enough to chance anything but a corporate working relationship with him, at the very best. A lot more Jesus never hurt anyone. He's had over a thousand second chances and that's enough. I wish him well. I hope he does come out of this horrible mess better than ever and his light shines brighter that it ever has before. I struggle with being a scorned wife/best friend versus a Christian and humane. I also struggle because I know 14-year-old Anaiah and 18-year-old Kannon will have so many questions and be eager to place blame and judge actions and reactions. You know we all could have done everything better than our parents, until we become parents... then maybe we could have done a few things different and who knows really. I'm trying to step carefully on Anaiah and Kannon's behalf and account for curious minds of the future, but its all so uncertain and offers no solid ground to make definitive decisions.

So we take it day by day, question by question and conflict by conflict. There's some crafting and drinking and fried burritos and gut-wrenching workouts at the gym added now and then for good measure. I'm just kidding...but kind of serious... While I may not win every battle, I've already won the war. I just have to remind myself of the incredible people I have in my life (if you're reading this... that's YOU) and the absolutely perfect blessings sleeping in their room as I type. I found a quote the other day that immediately reminded me of my children, and specifically Kannon because of his personality. Winnie the Poo once said, "As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen." Our current situation will not dictate the nature of our adventure together. Onward and upward, friends and family. Thank you for blindly loving us, supporting us and praying for us on this heartbreaking, breathtaking, joyous journey we call life.

Anaiahism of the Day

Anaiah: "Mama, I wiped a lot of snot in Kannon's hair and its sticking up. Let's do it that way for church."

No words...