Anaiahism of the Day

Anaiah: "Mama, I think we should keep Kannon even though he's ugly."

What.in.the.world...

Baby Girl Turns Three!!

Anaiah turned three last Saturday, July 20th! I cannot believe how fast the last three years have flown by. I feel like I've been a mom forever, and I honestly can't remember what my purpose was before Ani and Kan came into my life. Whatever it was, it wasn't very important. These babies are my whole world and I literally miss them during the day while I'm at work. Crazy, I know, but I like it that way.

We had a small Lalaloopsy birthday party on Friday, July 19th, at daycare during snack time so Anaiah could have cupcakes with her friends. Gina and Lauren were absolutely amazing. They assembled favor bags for me and got them to daycare on time. I am so grateful for fabulous friends!

Anaiah and her teacher, Mrs. Pam

After the daycare party, the kids and I met Lauren and Clay at Mom's and set up for the birthday party on Saturday.

We kept Anaiah's party small this year. She was thrilled to have it at Dooda and Papaw's house. Lauren made her a Rice Krispy cake and we had a candy bar for guests. 

Beautiful candy bar!

Rice Krispy and Hello Kitty cupcakes

Lauren also made her the cutest tutu and hair bow! 

Lauren made a custom tutu and bow for the birthday girl. Order your own on her Etsy shop, Giggles.

Check out our birthday girl and her new Tom's from Dooda

Anaiah received wonderful gifts from everyone. She and Kan are enjoying all of the fun dress up goodies. 

Our Valley Mills family hosted a birthday dinner for Anaiah on Wednesday, July 24th. We had a great time with Sis, Wiley, Carli, Larry, Sydney and Cash.

Make a wish!!

:-) All smiles :-)

Sydney had a very cooperative live baby doll for the evening

Now that I have a big three-year-old, I'm gearing up to have a big two-year-old on September 12th. I'm hoping to plan a super hero party for Kannon on September 14th. Hope to see you there in your tights and capes!

Oh the webs we weave...

I have an incredible family. MY family is awesome. In my 32 years, I have been fairly high maintenance... purely unintentional. I blame my huge heart and my tolerance for vagrants and vigilantes. Apologies to those closest to me... I know its been a hard ride and I appreciate the support. This Texas Giant is coming to an end...

So an honest update for all of you fabuloso folks who truly give a flying you-know-what about me and the kiddos:

Last Saturday Rene (our patriarch) was arrested in Bellmead outside the Delta Inn. He says he was in the Tahoe. Others say he was in a motel room... Anyway, he was charged with 2nd degree possession (methamphetamines) with intent to distribute. Very bad. As of last Thursday, Ren was doing his best to convince me that he was clean and wanted his family back. However, I really only heard from him when he was out of cash or cigarettes or both, so you do the math. After he was arrested on Saturday, he tried to call at 2:15am and 2:17 am. Silly me. I was asleep. I then heard from one of his new friends at 4:32am on Sunday morning via text:

"Hey this is D. I just got to house was gone all day. I was just told Rene was arrested last night. Can you confirm this?"

Of course I couldn't. I hadn't heard from Ren since Thursday. His friend goes on to say: 

"They apparently were at Delta Inn and they were either pulled over or the room they visited was searched and Rene and B were arrested. This according to individuals who heard it on scanner while I was out trying to get some money together to help Rene out."

I accepted a call from the McLennan County Jail at 10am on July 14th. Ren told me all I already knew. Arrested. Drugs. He claims they weren't his, but also admitted to using meth for over a year and lying to me about it. There were other girls. Four that I am aware of. HEARTBROKEN. I honestly feel like someone died. I would have sworn my life against my husband using drugs or shacking up with other women two years ago. Apparently, that would have been a horrible judgement call. I guess it is what it is. Lesson Learned. My son is the only man I'll welcome into my house overnight EVER again...

On with the soap opera... I called Rene's probation officer on Monday morning. She didn't even know he'd been arrested. I just LOVE this system... She said that even though bond was only $1,000, we should save our money. She said if Ren was released on bond, she would notify the fugitive officer and he would be picked up immediately after being released for probation violations. July 15th the second warrant for probation violations came down the pipe and no bond was offered. He's sitting in jail indefinitely and he's looking at two separate charges for two to 20 years in prison. I've been told that it may be two months before he will even get a court date. I figured out how to check the district court dockets online and I will be watching those daily. I will go to court when he has it and will find out for myself exactly what is said and sentenced. I'll never know otherwise. 

So this is crazy. I'm aware of that. This is never what I expected from spending a year in prayer and marrying my soulmate. Stranger things have happened I guess. My kiddos are absolutely priority number one to me and all of those close to me. And they are 150% the biggest, most wonderful blessings so I really can't complain. I am just so sad over the loss of future hopes and dreams.

Anaiahism of the Day:

Anaiah: "Mom, can I hate mosquitos?"

Me: "Yes, that's fine."

Anaiah: "We can't hate people, though." 

Me: "You're right, baby. We don't hate people. We just don't like some of the things they do sometimes."

Anaiah: "Well, we can hate them maybe if they do something like scratch a fresh tattoo."

Me: Chin.on.floor

Only my child...

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."

Unfortunately, the Flannery 0'Connor quote above is entirely true. Thirty-two doesn't look anything like I thought it would. The kids and I are adjusting to our new normal, but heartache muddies the waters and this is going to be a long row to hoe. 

A little over four years ago on May 9, 2009, I married the most amazing man. He was a strong, encouraging spiritual leader and treated me like a queen. I'd never known a more beautiful man, inside and out. Ren was 225 lbs of gentle romance and creative intelligence. I couldn't wait to marry this person and start a family with him.

Last Wednesday, I served Rene with divorce papers. Drugs and mental illness have taken over the mind, body and spirit of my love and best friend. It's been a slow digression that has quickly plummeted in the last six months. 

I found out exactly a year ago that he was using synthetic marijuana and bath salts. Shortly after, I found out he had a girlfriend. After many tears and fights, he swore he was done with the girl and clean, so we agreed to try to repair the devastating mess our marriage had become. Erratic behavior, severe weight loss, unexplained hours on the phone and overwhelming apathy regarding God, kids and work told me the drugs and girls were still a problem. He denied any wrong doing until he just couldn't anymore, and still he tries to convince me that he's done nothing at all wrong along the way. Ren has failed two drug tests so far, testing positive for meth. He's admittedly involved in gang activities and stealing to buy cigarettes and whatever else. I get panicked phone calls late at night that he is driving around and has no idea where he is going or how to get home. He's 124 lbs of desperate disaster waiting for the life he's chosen to swallow him whole. 

I see the horror of this unfold before me like a really morbid choose-your-own-adventure book. I do not recognize the person who expects me to pay his bills and buy his cigarettes even now. I do not know this person who refuses to work and runs drugs back and forth from one sleazy motel to the next. I want my husband back. But he's not coming back and I have to make a conscious effort to not enable him. 

While this is a situation I never wanted and a hurt I sometimes think will kill me, I've found through all of this that I have the most incredible family and friends ever. The outpouring of love and support for the kids and I has been amazing. God is good all the time. I know that and have to keep it on my tongue and in my heart more than ever these days. 

Every fiber hurts for the broken and battered person who used to be my everything. I have exhausted my emotional, financial and physical resources trying to make him better. He tells me I could fix him if I wanted to, but I finally realized that just isn't true no matter how badly I want to try. The addict will not take any form of responsibility for the lives they ruin or maim. They also perceive any form of kindness as weakness. The more I give, the more is expected. It's a vicious cycle that has no end. My kids deserve security and peace, and they will have it. We are starting over. It's scary but well worth it.