Our new contact info

Just wanted to update our friends and family with our new and permanent contact info. Our mailing address is:

Chassati, Anaiah and Kannon Thiele

P. O. Box 7495

Waco, TX 76714

We will keep this mailing address indefinitely, regardless of where our physical address is in the future. Our little family wishes yours a very happy holiday season!!

But alas... I'm not marriagable...

One of my friends from college, now a doctor, posted a link on Facebook the other day that really made me chuckle... and made me want to slap this woman (the author) with a huge, hairy phallus...

Why women still need husbands...

SO... apparently I've been doing it all wrong. I'm not very marriageable. I should be concentrating on having babies and cooking banana pudding or whatever men find innately appealing. Silly me... I've been the bread winner in every relationship I've ever had and am now solely responsible for my two children. And, because of the nature of the argument, I must add that I excitedly and naively birthed both children into a seemingly stable, loving marriage. Seemingly... but, damn, looks and feelings can be so starkly deceiving.

Why in the world would this relatively intelligent woman make such sweeping generalizations regarding all women and all men? The divorce rate and the amount of single, working mothers in our country is overwhelmingly high. I promise almost 100% of marriages begin with love and hopes and dreams. I never intended to be 32 and divorced twice with two kids. That's really not something anyone in their right mind would strive for, and honestly, its embarrassing to even say out loud. So go ahead, crucify me further, audacious, self-righteous Suzanne Venker. Tell me that love eludes the "modern woman" as long as she chooses to wear the pants and work outside of the home. Chooses? What in the world do you suggest?? Its not even realistic, in most circumstances, for only one parent to work outside of the home in two-parent families. Where does that leave the those of us who are single with kids and will be in this chapter of life for quite some time?

Those of us with absolutely no choice can either embrace the concept of the "modern woman" or our kids can starve. That's about it. The fact that I am single has nothing to do with me being "marriageable" or not. It has to do with my husband being so high on drugs he couldn't even remember his own name, etc. You get the point. While it takes two to succeed and fail in a marriage, Rene and I agree that he single-handedly destroyed our marriage without much help at all from me.

And as far as working toward being "marriageable"... What ideas would this ridiculous woman throw my way? Maybe if I hang out at the local grocery store next to the cucumbers with a bottle of wine, a lovely man will cruise by and give me his number. Oh, or maybe I could fake a flat tire on the side of the road and see who stops to rescue me. Or, hey, what if I keep changing my own damn tires and worry about feeding my kids. There's an idea. What if we weren't so obsessed with relationships and chasing romance? What if we concentrated on people as individuals? What if we seriously examined what we could offer introspectively instead of judging people for what they can or can't do for us? I have been from one serious, long-term relationship to the next pretty much since I was 15 years old. I have been defined by someone else, or rather my relationship with someone else, for more than half of my life. Raymond/Chass -> Carlo/Chass -> Raymond/Chass (again) -> Doug/Chass -> Rene/Chass... I think its time to stop the serial relationship madness and breathe. I like who I am becoming outside of the box.

Hi. My name is Chassati Beth Thiele. I have purple hair and am heavily tattooed. I love Jesus, good beer and really strong coffee. You are welcome to have an opinion on any of that, but I suggest you keep it to yourself unless you are paying my bills or sorting through the past two years with me. And do not generalize me. You will find that to be quite frustrating and discouraging. For every one thing you criticize about someone else, you can find three things to personally improve. If I don't share my opinions on politics, religion or world peace, its not because I don't have them. Its because I wish to avoid irritating, fruitless conversations. Odds are you aren't going to change my mind and I won't change yours either. I don't need someone to pat me on the head and tell me I'm pretty or smart or sexy or funny. I'm not perfect, but parts of me are awesome and I'm getting better every day. How's that for unmarriageable ...

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." - Zora Neale Hurston

October 24th was pretty much normal for the most part. Except it wasn't. It was actually the biggest day in our family's life since Kannon's birth. At 1:15 pm, I met my attorney outside the 414th district court. I walked in Chassati Thiele Bauman and walked out Chassati Beth Thiele. I was so unexpectedly nervous. The termination of parental rights had already been filed, but the judge had to sign off on it. I kept thinking of all of the possible road blocks that hadn't crossed my mind over the past year. How in the world hadn't I thought of this and how hadn't I considered that? My lawyer had to go over the entire final divorce decree and the termination and asked me simple question after simple question. After two nightmarish years, I just wanted to sit there and sign something. It wasn't that easy. "If you die, can you ensure, under oath, that the children will be cared for financially and emotionally? How solid is your family? Support system? Will their best interests be upheld and made a priority?"... God, I hope so... Anything dealing with the kids makes my mama's heart more sensitive than normal and my blood boil several degrees hotter regardless what the situation... but this was HUGE and, again, shoved the fact that I have to be enough for them right in my seasoned poker face.

I walked out of the courthouse exactly an hour after I walked in. It's amazing how years can be legally dissolved in less than an hour. I sat in my car and stared at the certified, filed copy of the termination of rights and divorce decree for a healthy half hour. I cried a little, because, since I was 17, voluntary crying, while healthy, is only done in my car by myself. Damn the idiosyncrasies of a self-proclaimed hard-ass...  The tears were charged with relief, anger, sadness, empathy and disappointment.

I felt myself relax a little with relief that the legal part of this cluster was finally over. The ridiculous knots in my back actually felt a little better for the first time longer than I could remember. Because of Rene's involvement with and connections to the wrong kind of people, it's been absolutely imperative that the kids and I are legally disconnected from him. The mere fact that I was legally bound to him by marriage resulted in countless phone calls from Waco PD Narcotics task force, the McLennan County Sheriff's Department and, most recently and unpleasantly, the ATF. I'm expecting Hollywood to call any moment and ask for movie rights. It would be a damn good one.

I was angry, too. You know when that fiery pit of lava starts burning in  your stomach and spreads to the rest of you, leaving your cheeks and ears hot, your hands shaking and your heart visibly beating fast and hard in your chest? I was that kind of angry. My make up looked damn good and I was ruining it. Okay, just kidding... kind of... I was angry because I wanted so much more for my kids than these papers in my lap. I wanted the beautiful, loving, Godly man I married to be their father, instead of the self-loathing stranger he had become. I wanted Anaiah and Kannon to have a strong traditional family unit. Yes, I know nothing about me is really traditional or ever has been, but I wanted the mom-and-dad, white-picket-fence, American dream family for my kids. I don't come from that and it is probably romanticized to an allowable extent in my heart and mind, even at 32 years old. Life in this world is hard enough. The deck is stacked against every one of us as soon as the doctor smacks our ass and we belt out that first cry. Parents should be the strongest fortress and safe haven for their children, second only to God. One side of my kids' fortress is completely obliterated and now God and I have to work overtime to reconstruct and keep out the bad. That made me angry.

The sadness was fueled by an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Rene's demise sent us all down a very unfriendly and hurtful path, and the kids are inevitably going to revisit that path from time to time during their lives, long after I have dealt with my hurt and trust issues. Every kid wants a daddy they are proud of. It can't be helped. I cannot explain this away. I cannot love or pray this away. Prayer will, of course, give me the strength and direction to best explain and love as my relationship with my children evolves and grows into new seasons. However, we are where we are and part of now will always be a part of every tomorrow.

A quick and simple definition of empathy is "identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings and motives." It is important for me to interject that this is different than sympathy. I've received some very fiery and pointed criticism for continuing to have contact with Rene. Most of the judgmental, snarky comments and monologues come from those very close to us and these people are hurting, too. Rene let a lot of people down, including my family and close friends. They had confidence that he would honor, protect, love and respect us and he failed them. I can't be too harsh with my comebacks to these all-knowing voices telling me he is a worthless son-of-a-bitch and that I am a weak, emotional, wounded, needy, scorned woman seeking validation that I was and am worth more that a boatload of methamphetamines and a handful of whores. This is not the case. I empathize with the Rene who sits, sober, in a jail cell and realizes that he has lost a great career, four beautiful, amazing kids and a damn good wife. That has to be an enormous blow to the human psyche. I empathize with the man who wakes up on Christmas morning and has the echoes of his kids' excited giggles and the smell of coffee and breakfast only in his mind. I empathize with the 14 year old boy who counts on his mom to nurse him through his first heartbreak and to teach him how to throw a nasty right hook. I empathize with the young woman who has to decide who will walk her down the aisle, if she decides to marry. That really shouldn't be a decision at all. Pity is sometimes a synonym of empathy, but not in this case.

Sitting there staring at the legal repercussions of addiction and human weakness in my lap, I was so beyond disappointed. Every single step taken over the last two years that led up to these drastic measures disappointed me. My marriage was over when the Rene I married ceased to exist, so that disappointment had already taken its course. We can't have the life together that I saw in my future on May 9th, 2009. I know that and am sure of it and have made peace with it. Onward and upward. However, the potential disappointment my kids will have to dodge throughout the course of their lives is much more than mine. Parents fall off of their pedestal at some point during every child's life, and it always hurts. It is disappointing that, at some point, my kids will know the truth of what has happened in our lives and that will inevitably be sooner than I want. I don't want to lie to my kids at all about anything, especially something as huge as how we got to where we are. I plan on choosing my words wisely, but at some point I'll have to lay it all out on the table and watch their faces as they hear things about their dad they shouldn't have to. Disappointment can tear the strongest people down faster than almost anything. I hope I can instill enough strength, self-respect and faith in my kids to carry them through what is waiting for them in the future.

That afternoon, I picked up Anaiah Marjorie Thiele and Kannon Samuel Thiele from daycare. I had snacks and sippy cups waiting in the car, and we were off to the gym for boot camp, just like any other Thursday. The kids didn't know the difference or significance of that particular Thursday, and its my mission to perpetuate that innocent ignorance for as long as I possibly can. But when I can't any longer, God and this mama will hopefully be enough to cushion the blow and keep us moving forward.

Don't Touch My Soul with Dirty Hands

Support is an interesting thing. While wading through the present cesspool of problems the kids and I are faced with daily, I've come to the stark-naked realization that ultimately its just the three of us. I know that there are people who love us and do care, but those people have their own lives and agendas and that's that. There have been people who have pleasantly surprised me with caring and concern, but more who have been a disappointment. I know that no one else is responsible for the three of us but me. That is really not a problem, and I prefer it that way. Rene voluntarily relinquished all parental rights two weeks ago, and I was very happy to hear it. I've always thought of my family and myself as more than enough to provide an environment for the kids to grow and flourish.

The long and short of it is that I've got to be more than enough, period. The kids aren't a priority to anyone else, unless of course the stars align exactly right or they fit into an already tight schedule of more important things. I don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful. Like I said, many people have really been fantastic to us and have gone above and beyond. Its just interesting to me that the people who have really shown us kindness and have been helpful are really not the ones I would have expected it from, generally. And, the ones I would have assumed would bend over backwards for us have been generally irritated, reluctant and have been very creative with excuses when I've needed help. I'm still pondering this and wondering what it says about people as a whole. I think I should spend more time on it, because my take-away at this juncture is not positive.

I've always preached that you can't expect more out of people than they are capable of giving. I guess now I've got to really internalize that. I've found myself withdrawing from people and situations that I've embraced in the past. Right now, I just think that's for the best. I think I may have been silly to trust so freely and expect people to do what they say they will and be who they appear outwardly to be. There's a Kurt Vonnegut quote that says, "We are what we pretend to be. So we must be careful about what we pretend to be." Its safe to say that the majority of what we know about any given person, no matter how close we are to them, is pretend, because people only put on the table what they want others to see. At what point are we sure of another person's motives or character? You will not see a person's heart and soul unless they are willing and honest.

A common mistake of mine is always *knowing* there's more to a person than what meets the eye. They are better and more loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent, etc. than they appear to be... The macabre reality is that they are what they are and I am more intelligent, beautiful, loving, caring, etc. than I know. My gut is always right, and I need to stop apologizing for truths that others have birthed and quit explaining myself away. I'm not the mom I want to be right now. My patience isn't what it should be and I could be a better example for my kids. I'm not the friend I want to be. I hope time and prayer and conscious diligence on my part can make these things and many others better as the moments and days and weeks pass. One foot in front of the other...

Anaiahism of the Day...

Anaiah: "Momma, can I color? I want to use the new crayons."
Chass: "Sure, but only get one crayon out at a time so they don't roll off the table onto the floor."

Anaiah immediately gets two yellow crayons out and sets them beside the paper on the table...

Chass: "Anaiah, I said only one crayon at a time."
Anaiah: "Mom, if they are the same color it doesn't count. They're both yellow."

I dread 14 years old... so... very... much...

Anaiahism of the Day... Round Two

Anaiah: "I'm a little I'm a little teapot, short and stout."

Chass: "Here is my handle, here is my spout."

Anaiah: "When I get all steamed up..."

Chass: "I just shout..."

Anaiah: "Tip me over and give me a big wiener with ranch on it."

Laughed so hard I cried... Where in the world did THAT come from?!? 

Anaiahism of the Day...

Anaiah: "Kannon Ball, let me give you one more kiss. I need to go tee-tee. Please watch Mommy while I'm gone and make sure she stays put and doesn't get into anything."

Kannon Ball: "Okay. I want bites."

So... I'm the shady one around here?! Haha!

I often miss this little girl...

Ohhhh poop...

I put the kids to bed a little early tonight because they were trying to kill each other and me in the process. We said our prayers, there was some expected whining and fussing from Anaiah, everyone was tucked in, I retrieved my sweet potato and tea from the kitchen and I started answering emails. So far so bueno.

An hour after putting the kids to bed, I hear some grumps from Kannon... Very strange since he hardly ever fusses after he goes to bed. Usually I'm reasoning with a three-year-old well into the night. I get a little worried and flustered. My mom brain immediately goes to... Is he too hot? Are his teeth bothering him? Does he have fever? Oh Lord, he took the pink, fuzzy tiara to bed with him. Is it poking him? And on and on...

So I jump up and quietly burst into their room, hurry to Kannon's bedside and find a HUGE poop diaper with my left foot... That's right, folks... I enthusiastically stepped right in it in the dark. Kannon's big sister has recently taught him the art of removing his own diaper and this has been a recurring event in the mornings with pee diapers. Normally he waits until I am in the room in the morning before he proudly rips his diaper off and throws it in my general direction. Not tonight.

I immediately hobbled into the bathroom, trying desperately not to jiggle any crap off of my foot onto the carpet, and washed my foot off in the bathtub. Then, returned to the scene of the crime to properly clean, diaper and re-clothe the perpetrator. Kannon now has his footed zipper pajamas on, equipped with the little snap at the top, actually designed to prevent these things. I think I need a pedicure...

So it goes...

Friday, a Mexican tried to take Rene's food in jail and he punched him. Rene ended up in segregation until today at 2pm, when he apparently had court and was sentenced to 10 years in prison for his probation violations. No one was notified and I wasn't aware of it until he told me, otherwise I would have gone to court to see what was said and done. Judge Strother means business. Rene said his probation officer met him in court and was crying and recommended the minimum 2 years as did the state, but Judge Strother gave him 10 years and said Strother expressed his desire to give him the maximum 20 years.

The only part of the above paragraph that I know to be true is that Rene appeared before Judge Ralph Strother at 2pm today and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

The complete story I received is much more elaborate and colorful, but I've come to value only the facts, and then only facts I can confirm myself. Its a frustrating mindset for someone who feeds on figurative language and allegorical prose. I've started to read Slaughterhouse Five again to try to encourage my mind to relax and latch on to good old fashioned style and wordy brilliance. We shall see. If anyone can do it, Kurt can.

Rene requested to relinquish his parental rights a few months ago, and he was served those papers in jail last Wednesday. His reasoning, while high on meth and whatever else, was that he was surely ending up in prison for awhile when probation caught up with him and he didn't want to owe back child support when he was released on parole. Naturally, he reasoned, that the best thing for him would be to give up rights to his kids, because when in the world would he ever be able to pay, much less provide health insurance, etc. Agreed. While Rene's narcissism was getting the best of him, I actually thought it was a remarkable idea and the push to get him to terminate his parental rights has consumed my waking moments. Now that he is in jail and forced to be clean and sober, some of the old Rene is peeking through and he's partially realized that he has effectively and efficiently pissed away a perfectly good wife, job, four kids and a home in less than a year.

I do feel for him. That has to be a terrible feeling, inevitably made more terrible by being in jail, staring straight down the barrel at 10 years in big boy prison. He's found Jesus again. That is great if its genuine, however it isn't enough to chance anything but a corporate working relationship with him, at the very best. A lot more Jesus never hurt anyone. He's had over a thousand second chances and that's enough. I wish him well. I hope he does come out of this horrible mess better than ever and his light shines brighter that it ever has before. I struggle with being a scorned wife/best friend versus a Christian and humane. I also struggle because I know 14-year-old Anaiah and 18-year-old Kannon will have so many questions and be eager to place blame and judge actions and reactions. You know we all could have done everything better than our parents, until we become parents... then maybe we could have done a few things different and who knows really. I'm trying to step carefully on Anaiah and Kannon's behalf and account for curious minds of the future, but its all so uncertain and offers no solid ground to make definitive decisions.

So we take it day by day, question by question and conflict by conflict. There's some crafting and drinking and fried burritos and gut-wrenching workouts at the gym added now and then for good measure. I'm just kidding...but kind of serious... While I may not win every battle, I've already won the war. I just have to remind myself of the incredible people I have in my life (if you're reading this... that's YOU) and the absolutely perfect blessings sleeping in their room as I type. I found a quote the other day that immediately reminded me of my children, and specifically Kannon because of his personality. Winnie the Poo once said, "As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen." Our current situation will not dictate the nature of our adventure together. Onward and upward, friends and family. Thank you for blindly loving us, supporting us and praying for us on this heartbreaking, breathtaking, joyous journey we call life.

Anaiahism of the Day

Anaiah: "Mama, I wiped a lot of snot in Kannon's hair and its sticking up. Let's do it that way for church."

No words...

Anaiahism of the Day

Anaiah: "Mama, I think we should keep Kannon even though he's ugly."

What.in.the.world...

Baby Girl Turns Three!!

Anaiah turned three last Saturday, July 20th! I cannot believe how fast the last three years have flown by. I feel like I've been a mom forever, and I honestly can't remember what my purpose was before Ani and Kan came into my life. Whatever it was, it wasn't very important. These babies are my whole world and I literally miss them during the day while I'm at work. Crazy, I know, but I like it that way.

We had a small Lalaloopsy birthday party on Friday, July 19th, at daycare during snack time so Anaiah could have cupcakes with her friends. Gina and Lauren were absolutely amazing. They assembled favor bags for me and got them to daycare on time. I am so grateful for fabulous friends!

Anaiah and her teacher, Mrs. Pam

After the daycare party, the kids and I met Lauren and Clay at Mom's and set up for the birthday party on Saturday.

We kept Anaiah's party small this year. She was thrilled to have it at Dooda and Papaw's house. Lauren made her a Rice Krispy cake and we had a candy bar for guests. 

Beautiful candy bar!

Rice Krispy and Hello Kitty cupcakes

Lauren also made her the cutest tutu and hair bow! 

Lauren made a custom tutu and bow for the birthday girl. Order your own on her Etsy shop, Giggles.

Check out our birthday girl and her new Tom's from Dooda

Anaiah received wonderful gifts from everyone. She and Kan are enjoying all of the fun dress up goodies. 

Our Valley Mills family hosted a birthday dinner for Anaiah on Wednesday, July 24th. We had a great time with Sis, Wiley, Carli, Larry, Sydney and Cash.

Make a wish!!

:-) All smiles :-)

Sydney had a very cooperative live baby doll for the evening

Now that I have a big three-year-old, I'm gearing up to have a big two-year-old on September 12th. I'm hoping to plan a super hero party for Kannon on September 14th. Hope to see you there in your tights and capes!

Oh the webs we weave...

I have an incredible family. MY family is awesome. In my 32 years, I have been fairly high maintenance... purely unintentional. I blame my huge heart and my tolerance for vagrants and vigilantes. Apologies to those closest to me... I know its been a hard ride and I appreciate the support. This Texas Giant is coming to an end...

So an honest update for all of you fabuloso folks who truly give a flying you-know-what about me and the kiddos:

Last Saturday Rene (our patriarch) was arrested in Bellmead outside the Delta Inn. He says he was in the Tahoe. Others say he was in a motel room... Anyway, he was charged with 2nd degree possession (methamphetamines) with intent to distribute. Very bad. As of last Thursday, Ren was doing his best to convince me that he was clean and wanted his family back. However, I really only heard from him when he was out of cash or cigarettes or both, so you do the math. After he was arrested on Saturday, he tried to call at 2:15am and 2:17 am. Silly me. I was asleep. I then heard from one of his new friends at 4:32am on Sunday morning via text:

"Hey this is D. I just got to house was gone all day. I was just told Rene was arrested last night. Can you confirm this?"

Of course I couldn't. I hadn't heard from Ren since Thursday. His friend goes on to say: 

"They apparently were at Delta Inn and they were either pulled over or the room they visited was searched and Rene and B were arrested. This according to individuals who heard it on scanner while I was out trying to get some money together to help Rene out."

I accepted a call from the McLennan County Jail at 10am on July 14th. Ren told me all I already knew. Arrested. Drugs. He claims they weren't his, but also admitted to using meth for over a year and lying to me about it. There were other girls. Four that I am aware of. HEARTBROKEN. I honestly feel like someone died. I would have sworn my life against my husband using drugs or shacking up with other women two years ago. Apparently, that would have been a horrible judgement call. I guess it is what it is. Lesson Learned. My son is the only man I'll welcome into my house overnight EVER again...

On with the soap opera... I called Rene's probation officer on Monday morning. She didn't even know he'd been arrested. I just LOVE this system... She said that even though bond was only $1,000, we should save our money. She said if Ren was released on bond, she would notify the fugitive officer and he would be picked up immediately after being released for probation violations. July 15th the second warrant for probation violations came down the pipe and no bond was offered. He's sitting in jail indefinitely and he's looking at two separate charges for two to 20 years in prison. I've been told that it may be two months before he will even get a court date. I figured out how to check the district court dockets online and I will be watching those daily. I will go to court when he has it and will find out for myself exactly what is said and sentenced. I'll never know otherwise. 

So this is crazy. I'm aware of that. This is never what I expected from spending a year in prayer and marrying my soulmate. Stranger things have happened I guess. My kiddos are absolutely priority number one to me and all of those close to me. And they are 150% the biggest, most wonderful blessings so I really can't complain. I am just so sad over the loss of future hopes and dreams.

Anaiahism of the Day:

Anaiah: "Mom, can I hate mosquitos?"

Me: "Yes, that's fine."

Anaiah: "We can't hate people, though." 

Me: "You're right, baby. We don't hate people. We just don't like some of the things they do sometimes."

Anaiah: "Well, we can hate them maybe if they do something like scratch a fresh tattoo."

Me: Chin.on.floor

Only my child...

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."

Unfortunately, the Flannery 0'Connor quote above is entirely true. Thirty-two doesn't look anything like I thought it would. The kids and I are adjusting to our new normal, but heartache muddies the waters and this is going to be a long row to hoe. 

A little over four years ago on May 9, 2009, I married the most amazing man. He was a strong, encouraging spiritual leader and treated me like a queen. I'd never known a more beautiful man, inside and out. Ren was 225 lbs of gentle romance and creative intelligence. I couldn't wait to marry this person and start a family with him.

Last Wednesday, I served Rene with divorce papers. Drugs and mental illness have taken over the mind, body and spirit of my love and best friend. It's been a slow digression that has quickly plummeted in the last six months. 

I found out exactly a year ago that he was using synthetic marijuana and bath salts. Shortly after, I found out he had a girlfriend. After many tears and fights, he swore he was done with the girl and clean, so we agreed to try to repair the devastating mess our marriage had become. Erratic behavior, severe weight loss, unexplained hours on the phone and overwhelming apathy regarding God, kids and work told me the drugs and girls were still a problem. He denied any wrong doing until he just couldn't anymore, and still he tries to convince me that he's done nothing at all wrong along the way. Ren has failed two drug tests so far, testing positive for meth. He's admittedly involved in gang activities and stealing to buy cigarettes and whatever else. I get panicked phone calls late at night that he is driving around and has no idea where he is going or how to get home. He's 124 lbs of desperate disaster waiting for the life he's chosen to swallow him whole. 

I see the horror of this unfold before me like a really morbid choose-your-own-adventure book. I do not recognize the person who expects me to pay his bills and buy his cigarettes even now. I do not know this person who refuses to work and runs drugs back and forth from one sleazy motel to the next. I want my husband back. But he's not coming back and I have to make a conscious effort to not enable him. 

While this is a situation I never wanted and a hurt I sometimes think will kill me, I've found through all of this that I have the most incredible family and friends ever. The outpouring of love and support for the kids and I has been amazing. God is good all the time. I know that and have to keep it on my tongue and in my heart more than ever these days. 

Every fiber hurts for the broken and battered person who used to be my everything. I have exhausted my emotional, financial and physical resources trying to make him better. He tells me I could fix him if I wanted to, but I finally realized that just isn't true no matter how badly I want to try. The addict will not take any form of responsibility for the lives they ruin or maim. They also perceive any form of kindness as weakness. The more I give, the more is expected. It's a vicious cycle that has no end. My kids deserve security and peace, and they will have it. We are starting over. It's scary but well worth it.